I'm taking a break from the putting the FINISHING TOUCHES on my paiting ! yay! I literally have to just do a few corners and im FINALLY DONE ! thank goodness!!! lol !!! As soon as Im done I get to go to Ikea and shop my brains out and buy a bunch of new stuff and actually have my meditation nook done! ohhhh and I get to buy fresh plants and flowers...im beyond excited, i really think I might pop! I choose 2 colors this time around, a soft and darker lilac purpleish color called, oddly enough, "Widow's Walk", and a soft white called "Snow Ballet". I seriously LOVE those names. But its coming out so neat and clean, so im pleased. As soon as I'm done I will take an after picture. I didnt make it to yoga last nite or today though :( which makes me sad, but i got so caught up in painting! maybe tomorrow. Hey as long as im busy and focused on ANYTHING but other issues, im totally cool with that.....
"The Road to Perdition"
YOU cannot stop me. YOU cannot liberate me. YOU imprison me. YOU remind me. YOU somehow define me. YOU unwind me. YOU leave me in the desert and do not return to find me. YOU try to lift up. YOU try to make it up. YOU are this intense memory. YOU are back in the day, May 1, 2004, agelika films, peanut butter and Supersize me, YOU are there in the corridors, hiding and aching to watch over me. YOU can never know, because you are not me. YOU are long gone now, somewhere out there now, I am no longer the burden....I am no longer in your ear wispering to complain....you are free now, you're alive now, I'm the shell you left behind now, im the fearful now, im the child shaking in the corner, curled up and scared to die now, If I could scream out loud until my throat bled, i would now, there's silence where there was once sound now...............is it a memory, or voices, or some weird dream i woke up from.......was it ever real? do I exist? is there a point to this?............. these are the things that consume the nights of our lives...these are the things that consume, one's will to survive...............this is what it looks like, lift ur head back, look up, the nothing is waiting.
"If I were to end..."
"Down Below"
down below i feel....the wisp of the wind and fire and the ice...
down below i feel....like nothing in my grip could ever suffice...
down below i feel....the cold cool blade of ur laboring steel....
down below i feel.....like an empty space without a home....
down below i feel....like ending it now, like ending it now...
down below i feel....this will never begin, its just touching the end...
down below i feel...as if i could never be free from the love and the sin...
down below i hide....alone and afraid and ready to die...
down below i hide...sleeping never to wake, in this fucked up state...
down below i hide....am i ready to walk, or am i ready to fight?
down below inside....you can touch, fuck, haste, waste me, taste me, its just so cold and bitter inside....
down below I've tried....to make it stop, burn the fire rolls high...
down down til the very end...im a lover, a fighter, a winner, a friend, never touched by angels but stirring in my sin, let the needle fall down, watch the tree tops just bend, angst and agony is the same, im inside you, im in him, im the wind and the water, im the air that we breathe, im the mighty soldier dying, your the angel on his sleave....we're both waiting and watching, both ready to die, we're back to back in the field of rye, who what where how...why?....why is the this the record to be played, over and over, you have set the stage, im lost in translation, one glance, one look and i fade....into the distance...into the ocean...takes 2 and 1/2 steps back, feel the movement of my motion....this is it, this is the end, the doors have closed black, no turning or looking over my shoulder, the battles of my mind crumble, there is only silence now....i could wonder on and on, why or how? but there is no point, this is it, and this.....is now.
I have had a much better week than I've had in quite a while. Monday I went to work and it was SO busy. It was by far the busiest day of the year, in fact I only took a 15 min break that day because there simply just wasnt enough time! lol. But what really made my day was that before phones went on, the entire symphony surprised me with a surprise birthday party ( it was for me and my 2 other amazing co-workers who share their birthdays in August with me ) :o)....That was sooo nice and thoughtful of them!!! There was strawberry shortcake and cupcakes :o)
Tuesday was sooooo much fun!!!!!!! I went with Carrie to my Knitting/Crochet group. It was soooo much fun, the girls there are soooo nice and welcoming. I made cheese quesedillas..me and carrie were going for that psuedo mexican theme, so she borught some tortillas chips and dips and stuff too :) Jeannine helped me figure out the details of what my first project will look like, she is so awsome. I'm making a bag that has 6 panels, and then one panel to bring it all together. I really like it. And it's coming along pretty nice, so im realllly pleased! Ellen had also brought a tape of her color guard unit and we saw a performance tape she had brought. OMG I LOVE COLOR GUARD!!!! I have GOT to make it to Ohio this year. I miss it every year because of work or something stupid, but this time I'm really going to do it! :o) I want to take pics of my first project, but I'll do so when it starts looking like a little more than a swatch lol. I'm still on panel 1 of 6 ! lol !!!
Wednesday was PRODUCTIVE AS HELL. And I'm really proud of myself for that. Work all day had been insanely busy. After work though I was able to see my chiropracter, which was LONG overdue, and he cracked my life away. And it felt GREAT. My neck was sooooo tense and my back, I was literally feeling very hunched and unhealthy. Thank you Dr. Joe! :)
As exhausted as I was I knew when I got home that I needed to start painting already, and stop putting it off. So I got to it and put all the primer on, on every wall. I feel like SUCH a dyke, between chiseling out the moldings to create custom hinges for my doors, to smathering plaster and primer everywhere lol. It felt rather awsome! :o) I was up til 4:30 am, well i had finished putting all the primer on by 3:30, but then of course I had to come and chill by the computer and just relax! lol.
Thursday was also very productive. Work wasnt as busy, which helped because I had barely slept the night before lol. For lunch my co-worker treated me for lunch because it had been my birthday, so I treated myself to a YUMMY turkey burger with fries!!!! I know I know, its completely un-organic and its MEAT! lol. But I had been craving a turkey burger FOREVER, so i treated myself :o) and it was SO DELICIOUS. I have such a weird relationship with meat. I'm not a veggie because of the animal thing. Although I AM against the mistreatment of animals completely. I just choose to not eat meat often at all, nor certain dairy products. It's moreso for health reasons and it just fits my lifestyle and likes much better. If im forced to eat meat, i much rather prefer turkey than anything. Chicken is a second runner up. I really hate eating meat alot though, it has soooo many hormones in it that especially can affect women. Anyways!!!!!! lol. After work I got back to painting and it went really well. I had to put the second coat of primer, so that went well. I was done much earlier so I got to watch the MTV Video music awards whilst talking to people online. That was fun actually. Me and Carrie were rating how hot each woman was as they came out, it was HILARIOUS.
Another major update, is about my sleep problem. This week, for the first time in one month and a half, I was able to sleep for 6 hours on one night and 7 and 1/2 hours last nite !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS HUGE. I've barely slept at all for over a month.
So yeah, today is Friday and somehow I made it through the week. Getting through each day has been really hard, but I'm glad to have made it through another week. Today I'm excited for a few reasons....
I get to see the doctor to get advise on my sleep situation and possibly meds to make that happen EVERY nite lol. Then Im off to see my accupuncturist for what im sure will be an amazing treatment. ( in fact that might resolve the sleep inssue entirely). After that I'm going take care of some things, but I plan on going to yoga tonite, i HOPE I get to actually go, ive been really wanting to do that, i also want to get info. in person about the Shaman fire ceremony they have there.....hopefully it will all go well :o)
